Here Come the Judgmentals

 judgmental or judgemental  --adj.  of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about the conduct of others are made  -- Dictionary.com

"Opinions are like a--holes; everybody has one." --"Dirty Harry" Callahan, 1971

Full disclosure:  Back when I was single, "child-free," and clueless, I sniffed, tut-tutted, rolled my eyes and spouted my opinions with the best of them.  Opinions about how I would and could do it better, smarter; how easily I could raise perfectly behaved, perfectly coiffed, perfectly smart little ladies and gentlemen. Opinions about how parents today let kids run their lives.  Opinions about a future when I became a parent, how my lifestyle wouldn't change just because of the addition of a child.  Children should be required to adapt and fit into the lives of the adults raising them, my single friends and I said, not the other way around.  After all, that's what life is, right?  Adapting?

Now, I never criticized anyone directly, but I might as well have.  The look on my face probably said it all.

And then Reality came along in the form of a picky-eating, tantrum-throwing, hand-flapping, non-talking, oddly-behaving, runaway train that permanently knocked me and my precious opinions off of our comfortable pedestal.  "Karma" wasn't just a bitch; in my case, "karma" had a name, a face, and the sweetest smile, and promptly kicked my smug, opinionated behind from here into Sunday.

If I had a dollar for every time some stranger shook their head, gave me the stink-eye, and said, "Can't you control your child?" or "SOMEBODY SLAP THAT KID!" when Aaron behaved oddly, inappropriately, or had a meltdown; scolded my son because he wouldn't look them in the eye or answer when spoken to, or "helpfully" informed me that my method for dealing with a particular issue was the wrong one ...well, I wouldn't exactly be a rich woman, but I could easily host a weekend at Disneyland for a family of five.  Meals, souvenir hats and sweatshirts included.

A few examples: Once in a restaurant ladies' room, an elderly lady looked down her nose as I helped four-year-old Aaron wash his hands and said, "If you wash his hands for him, he'll never learn how to do it himself!" (Oh. Really?).  Another time, when I stopped in at Target to pick up some diapers and an antibiotic for one of Aaron's many painful ear infections, the checker (That's right.  The checker. At. Target.) narrowed her eyes at my crying child, and said, "If he was MINE, he'd be in time-out right now."  Um...okay.  I'd love to have seen her try it.

Another woman thought it perfectly appropriate to inform me, loudly, that my child was too old for Pull-Ups. 

But the Grand Prize for Stupidest, Most Ignorant and Most Ridiculous Comment of All Time (I'm calling it the S.M.I.R.C.A.T. Award; the acronym is mine, but feel free to submit nominations) goes to the woman who, after being politely informed that the reason for my child's behavior was autism, announced: "Well, then, if he's autistic, you shouldn't be taking him out in public!"  Seriously?! Seriously???  I almost took the *&@!% out with my bare hands.


I suppose my "karma" would be pointless if I didn't put it to good use.  So I've come up with a list of things for my inner "armchair judge" to remember next time I have the urge to criticize someone's parenting, child, or children:

Things to Remember  

the next time someone else's child makes me want to reach over and slap them

1.  That parent and child are NOT having a good time right now.  Don't add to their stress just because you are annoyed.

 2.  That child could have a disability, or be ill or in pain.  The point is, you don't know why that child is upset, not listening, or misbehaving.  Don't assume anything.

3.  Use this mantra: You don't know them. You don't know them. You. Don't. Know. Them.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat until thoroughly cleansed of all other internal commentary. 

4.   Instead of criticism, offer help and/or sympathy if it seems appropriate.  Leave them alone if not.

5.   Save your judgy self for the next time you do jury duty, where it might actually do some good.

Instead of judgment, compassion and a helping hand can go a long, long way.  I learned that lesson the hard way.